I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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