The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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