I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
