When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
