I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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