Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
my poor anus
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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