just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
