Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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