the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
