i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
