I'm pants shitting drunk right now
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
