I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
