You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
