clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Let's paint friendship bongs
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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