your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
