after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
