On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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