mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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