Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My vagina is officially offended.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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