Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
