Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
