Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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