Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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