youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
