i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize