party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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