Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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