it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
never play flip cup with pint glasses
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
