I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
