So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
