Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
