It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize