I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
