seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
