My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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