Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
