please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
