I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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