omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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