Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The Olympian is in my bed
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
