He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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