Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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