Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
