How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
