I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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