So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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