i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize