no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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