I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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