i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
