2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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