Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
