Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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