Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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