I haven't been this sober since birth.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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