before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
