its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
