On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
