I CAN MOONWALK!
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
No more Irish car bombs ever.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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