your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
